Formal Email: Self Introduction
Dear Brad,
I am Koh Min, a second-year student in Singapore Institute of
Technology (SIT), currently pursuing bachelor in hospitality business.
Unlike many of my peers, I did not come from a hospitality
background, but instead had a diploma in arts business management. However, after
three years of venturing in the arts industry, I realised that the arts was more
suitable for me as a hobby rather than a career. This decision then led me to
take on a part-time job at Universal Studios Singapore during my gap year. I was charmed by the open and lively interaction between employees and guests and my
experience in the park was very enriching, as I enjoyed the challenge
of handling a wide range of tourists from different countries. Hence in that very
year, I applied for a degree in SIT, with advice from work managers and
colleagues. Subsequently, I also took on part-time jobs such as retail and food
and beverage to increase my exposure and experience in the field, which I believe
has benefitted me significantly.
I have always considered myself introverted, but am also comfortable
and confident with general interaction between strangers and acquaintances. Making
small talk and initiative in approaching guests are crucial in the hospitality
industry, which I believe this is a strength that I possess.
However, when it comes to public speaking, although I have had many
public speaking experiences such as emceeing, I find it a challenge to hide my
nervousness. Signs of anxiousness become obvious, such as shaky hands and
turning red in the face. I consider this as a hindrance to my professionalism,
therefore overcoming it is important.
I look forward to overcoming my nervousness with public speaking as
well as enhancing my networking skills in this module.
Thank you!
Yours Sincerely,
Koh Min
Edited_31 January
Blogs Commented:
Ian Tan Yan Qian
Tan Yong Wei
Samuel Cheung
Edited_31 January
Blogs Commented:
Ian Tan Yan Qian
Tan Yong Wei
Samuel Cheung
Dear Kohmin,
ReplyDeleteDo not worry about not having the relevant or past experience prior to starting out in the industry. I am sure you'll be able to cope well with it given your positive outlook and mentality. I have friends who have doubted themselves about it but are still doing well in it as well so don't give up alright!
I tend to be more of an introvert myself too so I understand where you're coming from. A tip that I can share when dealing with nervousness would be to prepare yourself well beforehand and simply tell yourself that you're just sharing/talking with a group of friends! That usually calms me down and prevent those nervousness hitting onto me!!
All the best and continue to smile! :)
Ian
Hi Ian,
DeleteThank you for your reassurance and advise :)
Yours Sincerely,
Koh Min
Dear Koh Min,
ReplyDeleteThank you very much for this detailed reflection on your background and communication strengths and weakness. I enjoyed learning about your journey to SIT's HB programme via Universal Studios. That sounds truly like a life changing experience.
You also mentioned that you have emceeing experience. That might be put to use in our presentation showcase!
In terms of how you can refine this letter, please see the following:
1) overuse of capitalization
-- currently pursuing bachelor in Hospitality Business.
-- but instead had a diploma in Arts Business Management.
see https://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/capital.asp
2) sentence structure
-- Making small talk and initiative in approaching guests are crucial in the hospitality industry, hence I believe this is a strength that I possess. >>> (comma splice) ?
-- I consider this as a hindrance to my professionalism, therefore would very much like to overcome this weakness. >>> (faulty sentence/punctuation) ?
3) lack of parallelism
-- I look forward to overcoming my nervousness with public speaking as well as enhance my networking skills in this module. >>> I look forward to overcoming my nervousness with public speaking as well as enhancing my networking skills in this module.
These are minor points that, when improved, can help you take the next step up in your writing.
I look forward to working with you further this term.
Best wishes,
Brad
Dear Brad,
DeleteApologies for the late reply as well, it was over looked on my part:(
Thank you for your valuable feedback! I will be sure to take note of these mistakes in the future.
Thank you!
Yours Sincerely,
Koh Min
Dear Kohmin,
ReplyDeleteI would like to thank you for the informative profile which you provided. I would also like to provide you with some feedback gathered after an immersing read up of your profile.
1) This current sentence in my perspective, "currently pursuing bachelor in Hospitality Business." is lacking an "a" and what I mean would be "currently pursuing a bachelor's degree in Hospitality Business"
2) "I was charmed by the open and lively interaction between *employees and guests and my experience* in the park was very enriching, as I enjoyed the challenge of handling a wide range of tourists from different countries."
I included asterisks in the part which needed a slight adjustment, and the final product should look as such. "I was charmed by the open and lively interaction between employees and guests, which provided a very enriching experience. I enjoyed the challenge of handling a wide range of tourists from different countries..."
3)"Hence in that very year, I applied for a degree in SIT, with advice from work managers and colleagues." In this sentence, you included 2 commas which meant that the phrase " I applied for a degree in SIT" was not the main focus.
4)"Subsequently, I also took on part-time jobs such as retail and food and beverage to increase my exposure and experience in the field, which I believe has benefitted me significantly."
The overuse of "and" in this particular sentence has made it a tad too messy.
5) I have always considered myself introverted, but am also comfortable and confident with general interaction between strangers and acquaintances.
In this sentence, the word "am" could be omitted as it is not necessary.
6) Making small talk and initiative in approaching guests are crucial in the hospitality industry, hence I believe this is a strength that I possess.
Making small talk Vs Take initiative
Hence, it should be split up and phrased like this instead "Making small and taking initiative".
Although it is not grammatically wrong, making initiative would not apply to this context and it also weird for most english proficient listeners.
7)"However, when it comes to public speaking, although I have had many public speaking experiences such as emceeing, I find it a challenge to hide my nervousness."
The sentence construction needs to be worked on and this could possibly be split into two separate sentences.
After reading all my feedback, I do hope you do not take this to heart and strive to achieve excellence in your writing skills.
With lots of love,
Wey Hau
Hi Wey Hau,
DeleteThank you for your feedback and don't worry! We're all here to learn, no hard feelings🙃🙃🙃
With lots and lots of love,
Koh Min
Dear Koh Min,
ReplyDeleteI find your background in Arts quite refreshing, and instead of seeing it as an drawback, I believe it will allow you new perspectives. Echo chambers never made for dynamic discussions after all.
Also, I would have never guessed that you would consider yourself an introvert, as you generally seem quite sociable in person, and a great conversationalist in extension.
I wish you all the best in the coming trimester.
Regards,
Yong Wei
Dear MrhahA,
DeleteI heard you're an avid supporter of the arts as well, we can talk about it sometime! Socialising can be fun but I believe everyone has a bubble to retreat to at the end of a long day hehe.
Wish you all the best too!
Regards,
Koh Min